Rants and Raves

If you want to loose all faith in humanity, spend a couple days reading craigslists rants and raves. The sad point I think at this point is that I'm addicted to looking through the posts. Every once in a while you get a good one, but mostly it's bigots (and really the re: INSERT BIGOTED IDEA HERE's are more fun to see people arguing with the other other people) and then a lot of sexual confessions (if it has a picture attached USE CATION. Even if the title seems completely innocuous, the picture is most likely of some part of a human being you would only see from street flashers. I'm still trying to scrub my brain from some of them since, well if I were feline my curiosity on these posts would have killed me by now) It just really makes me wonder about people some times. I mean I don't agree with a lot of the posts, but can't say I've had the patience or drive to cut the post, go to another page, write up my reply, click through the craigslist disclaimers, type in their making sure you aren't a spamming machine thing, and then click post after they send the make sure this is right email. I mean, I'll do that to sell things (how I sold my barbies and old mattress) but just to yell at people, not so much, yet, every day there are people willing to go through just that too talk about how Obama is going to be the death of this country, and how December 21, 2012 is going to be the end of the world as predicted by the Mayan calender. So instead of throwing my lot in their with all those people, I thought I would just have my own little rant here, after all it's sort of what this entire blog is for, me just writing whatever I'm thinking about.

As for the world ending in a little less than 3 years? As far as I'm concerned, there have been then of the world theories in ever generation since we had enough time to sit around and contemplate death. My theory is it's just an advanced form of self-importance.
-Lia

North Pole or Bust

Dear Santa,
I know it has been more than a few years since I have written to you. In fact I never really was one to write to you in the first place. Not since I lived in Westlake Village at least, and even now I don't plan on sending this to the North Pole. Sometimes I wish it was easier to believe in you. I lasted for a good long time believing you were real. Into middle school at least, even though I would have denied that fervently when I was that age. It's not that I don't want to believe now, it's just...the older you get, the harder it is to just let yourself believe. You just learn more about the world and, well, everything just becomes more clear and at the same time less magical.
Still I thought I would write this just for my own peace of mind. Of course there are the things that I'd like for myself, and all that, but really it's the time of year to think more for other people than for yourself. People say this time of year is getting too commercial and in a lot of ways it probably is, but I would still think that people think about others this time of year too. I know it's a hard time for a lot of people. I wouldn't go so far as to say we're in the second great depression, but a lot of people are struggling to get by. I'm so thankful that we are not some of then. I hope that they all have a merry Christmas and aren't too sad or cold this winter.
Second, I want my parents to be happy. I know we all love each other, but I want everyone to stop worrying, to just be mind blowingly happy. Truly that's all I want for Christmas, for everyone to be happy.
Sincerely,
Lia

"It is well that war is so terrible...

...lest we become to fond of it"

I admit I have been less than vigilant in blogging lately, which had upset at least my single reader, River. Honestly I haven't had much to say. It's not often I have writers block, and honestly I haven't since I have been noveling still, I just haven't had much to say about my own life. It's funny that every once in a while the hardest thing to write about is yourself. You'd think that since you have you, you know, live as yourself every day it would be a lot easier to say things, but sometimes it really isn't.

The quote I used for the beginning of this blog is one by Robert E. Lee actually (who I think we might be related to on my mom's mom's side, there's quite a few Virginia Lees there but I digress) and it comes from the last lab I had for TAing today. The professor's Marine friend came to speak to the class, and I've found that of the Marines I have met (being two, not a great sample I know, but of them) when discussing their beliefs have a tendency to be very abrasive. I don't know if it just comes from the nature of the military, but it's like they all insist they aren't idiots, which I'm sure they aren't, but don't know how to put forth an idea in a polite setting. I suppose it's one of those things where you sort of need to feel like people are out to attack you if you want to go out and learn to shoot people. It's a very black and white occupation. There's the good guys and the bad guys and you're alive or dead. There's not a whole lot of time to spend contemplating philosophy and psychology. Personally I think that's not a great way to live and hinders their social development. When you're used to being drilled into, you don't know how to act without acting like you need to attack or be attacked. It's actually an interesting study I would think, how the military psychologically effects people. I mean I know you have to hard people up if you're training them to kill people and possibly be killed, but it really doesn't seem conducive to a well made sociable person.
-Lia

Life after Nanowrimo

I admit that it's been a while since I've posted anything here, but all my writing has been spent in a word document thinking about my characters for National Novel Writing month. I had to get 50,000 words all this month, and I was more than a little obsessive about it. Now I'm just sponsoring River in her bid to finish, and trying to get the motivation to finish up the tail end of my novel now that nano isn't hanging over my head. I think I was spoilt with last years novel just coming out almost perfect, and now I need to work on this one seriously. I think entire scenes seriously need to go, but oh well, nanowrimo is all about the finishing. I've got three stories done so far, now I've just got to finish this fourth.

Philosophy

I talked to Michael for the first time in a couple weeks and we had a very philosophical conversation I think I need to put here for reading at a later date. (Names and typos changed)

(Long conversation about statistics in a political science class)
Me: Science is just religion with numbers. If i wanted science I'd be in bio

Michael: >:o (closest to drop jaw dumbfoundedness)

Me: Well it's true. we're all looking for an instruction booklet so you choose either science or religion or some strange hybrid. It's all theories, you can't prove anything

Michael: That itself is science. science is not just belief, it is not just religion

Me: Like i said, it's religion with numbers. It's logic, with a belief system attached

Michael: Religion is predicated on an assumption of how the world is, science is the complete lack of predictions, purely the pursuit of truth

Me: It's trying to figure out the rule of the game, religion is taking what we have as the rules of the game. All in all we're all looking for the same thing

Michael: ? No not at all. Religion assumes to know an answer, science knows that based on new evidence old and wrong assumptions must be abandoned or modified

Me: And yet we're all looking for the same thing. Religions just aren't looking as hard

Michael: No religion is not looking for anything, religion assumes they know the answer. Science knows they can't know anything definitively, only have a best fit explanation for what we can observe

Me: Fine, but it's still all looking for a rule book. Religion just thinks it may have one

Michael: Religion assumes they have the rule book already. That is the anti-science

Me: Religions change too, just not as quickly

Michael: Only when forced to or avoid disintegration. When SCIENCE changes our understanding fundamentally, religions sometimes changes to try to keep its relative power. If it were up to religion exclusively, nothing would change

Me: Not Buddhism, not progressive religions

Michael: Progressive religions like.... nope none coming to mind.. progressive religions are still leaps and bounds behind where the secular community is

Me: As far as you know

Michael: Name one religion that isn't just on societies coat tails

Me: If science proves anything, it proves nothing is certain you can't pretend you are if you're behind science

Michael: ? I am just asking for one progressive religion that is not still worlds behind the secular societies of Europe. Religion is an over all retarding force in this day in age at least

Me: I'm just saying you're taking that for a fact. You can't take anything as absolute, unless you are religious

Michael: Well the evidence is that no religion is more progressive than secularism. That isn't a fact, its an observation

Me: True but anyone who wants to use science as an absolute, that's using science as a religion. they can come down to the same thing

Michael: Well if they use science as an absolute it sects to be science. Science by definition has absolute rules but no absolute truths. Well other than the truth inherent within their rules

Me: just saying, everyone is looking for the rule book, and religion is just what happens when science fails. They aren't so far apart.

Michael: That's a cop out bumper sticker view. Religion was a good organizing tool from before we understood that there were rules to the universe, now it is like a cancerous appendage that we can't get rid of.

Me: People have to have faith in something, and science only takes you so far. Is there life on other planets? Not that we've found, but u can take a position. Logic is your jumping block into faith

Michael: No...our brains are defective and crave a meaning, religion is a way of satisfying that, that does not make them true. Our search for meaning has no relevance to the universe

Me: I'm not saying it does. Just you have to believe something, and we don't have any answers. So you guess and that's your religion

Michael: Why do we have to believe? Because our brains crave a belief. It is that compulsion for simple answers that is the single greatest impediment to mankind. it has held us back and makes us capable of unimaginable cruelty

Me: Expand

Michael: Our minds evolved, they became biologically complex enough to think objectively only within the evolutionary last few blinks of an eye..that said, are brains are far FAR from purpose built to think, they are evolutionary accidents..so our minds are often left to find the subjective and "truly" embrace of a cultural belief system more comfortable than the rejection of it (and socially speaking, social evolution dictates that societies put emphases on conformity to a system) but these defects in our mind can, with great great effort, be overcome to see the world objectively rather than through the lens of a belief system. The lenses i mean are illogical manifestations of a type of religion. it can mean many things. but when you are able to reject objectivity in one respect it becomes easier to reject it in other respect. This leads to the rejection of knowledge the challenges the orthodoxy of the belief system, and that is only a mild example of what can happen. The religious wars of, well, every area on earth were all due to a breakdown (or total lack from the beginning) in logical objective thinking. If I KNOW the answer not only do i not keep searching, but i am inherently a better person that those who do not know the answer.. graduations of humans create cruel treatment because they are the other...they are less then me because I KNOW

Me: You can still know you don't know and hold a belief. I know i don't know if there's a god, but I believe there is. Who does that hurt?

Michael: It is just different gradiations of the rejection of objectivity... small rejections of objectivity is not harmful but where do you draw the line? the less rejection the better ant total objectivity is the best.

Me: Even when it makes you unhappy?

Michael: Yes

Me: Human's aren't built for that

Michael: I know we arne't, but rejecting truth is not an option to me

Me: You've got maybe 70 years on earth, why force yourself to be unhappy the entire time? What purpose are you serving? You must be doing something

Michael: I don't "have" to do anything. I don't require a purpose. I am the evedence of the law of large numbers as are you.

Me: So you're just floating through space accepting you know nothing, you can't even prove the laws are true if you accept anything, you have to accept you know nothing

Michael: Nothing is provable but that doesn't mean that nothing is understood. I can't prove gravity but i can undertand it should work

Me: But all it takes is one time of that pen falling up and gravity is disproved

Michael: yep

Me: So you can't know you know anything

Michael: Only cause of the definition of the word "know". Know assumes certainty

Me: But if you believe in anything absolutely you bring me back to my first point, it's faith, religion

Michael: There is no certainty but there is knowledge

Me: You can't base anything off a theory without it being faith if you adhear to it

Michael: Why can't I?

Me: You have to know you can't be absolute because if you believe that science is the answer, that it has the answers for your life and you base your life off that, it's faith. You can't prove it's true

Michael: You have a illogical jump. 'Because if you believe that science is the answer,** that it has the answers for your life and you base your life off that, it's faith' that jump here** is not a correct jump. Science is not a belief in and of itself. Science is the process of understanding the universe that does not believe i have a "faith" in it. Faith means i have assumptions.. but disprove any aspect of what I know then i reject it

You assume that it will not be disproved. That's your faith

Michael: No I don't. I have no assumption

Me: If you live your life on the principals that what science tells you is correct, then you assume that what you have learned is as close to the truth as you can get

Michael: I have evidence to back up things but that is not an assumption

Me: and you have faith that the evidence is strong enough to lead you to the truth. in believing there is a truth at all you have faith in what you are learning. the only complete objectivity is to accept there is no truth

Michael: assumption: something taken for granted; a supposition. Nothing I believe is taken for granted. I have no faith. How many times do i need to repeat that?

Me: You can say that as many times as you want but it doesn't make it true. The fact that you're living your life based on any principal at all is you putting faith in that you are living your life towards whatever universal truth out there, you have faith that there is a truth or you wouldn't trust science. You can't move towards anything without some basic level of faith, or you would say there's nothing out there and you should do what you want with your life

Michael: My life is irrelevent to the descussion of logic and science, but i'll just stick to what your focused on..I don't have faith that there is a knowable truth.. there is no evedence supporting a unified truth, though there is evedence supporting rules with predictive capability though there is evedence that demenstrates imperfections (ie disproves it as a "fact) most of the rules there is.. that is not faith yes you could argue that using logic is itself a faith, though at that point it is an argument over the definition of faith though the dictionary states:Faith: 1. belief that is not based on proof 2. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion 3.belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc. 4.confidence or trust in a person or thing 5.a system of religious belief

At that point I had to go to rehearsal, but yeah...he's depressing, but it gives me an outlet to think about stuff.
-Lia

The Walking Dead

I made it to my 8:30, once again waking up at 8:15. Since I leave the house at 8:20, that's pretty impressive in my opinion...though I really need to shower, so I may not look my best. I admit that I'll probably go back to bed and then take a shower. Sleep is such a precious commodity to college students.

Last night I went to see Henry IV. I personally thought it it was well done, though some of the actors flubbed their lines. I can't berate them too harshly though, since I do know how difficult it can be when your brain just blanks on stage. I must admit I like the histories, mostly because not everyone is dead at the end, though as River said, there is another part of to Henry IV (we saw part one) and then Henry V (Well technically Richard III and the Henry V, but that means at least Henry makes it through).

River was upset with me once again over my views on relationships again. I'm well aware she doesn't agree with me about somethings, but it's so incredibly annoying when she just clams up rather than talking to me about it (and yes I'm well aware she generally reads this, but I'm crap at confrontation so I'd rather her read this and understand than get into a useless fight). I can make a logical argument for my thoughts, you can not agree with them, but I feel like unless you lay out your point of view I have no chance to defend myself before you get upset. I mean, I understand emotions aren't always rational, but overall I'm a logical person. Maybe that's the reason I view relationships the way I do. I still for some reason feel myself completely blindsided when people act irrationally. I admit I still don't understand River sometimes. She's my best friend, but it's like there's this weird part of her head that just hits me out of nowhere every once in a while, like I really didn't realize how important religion was to her. Like I'm not a religious person overall if you haven't realized, and I know it's probably rude that I want to dissect peoples' reasons for being religious or not, but I suppose that's just me looking for a logical backing for opinions, and I've found time and time again that religion doesn't have to be logical, it just gets to me, because I feel like theirs no way to advance your thinking when you don't take logic into account. Not to say River doesn't have a logical backing or that's wrong, just I haven't heard it, and it truly confounds me.
-Lia

Pater noster, qui es in caelis

Religion never ceases to confound me. I mean I understand it, and I enjoy it generally, at least the peaceful parts, but it still never ceases to confound me. I'm not an atheist. I mean I've questioned the existence of god, but I've never believed in a complete lack of one all together. It just seems too depressing. If you believe that there is no order, no purpose to the universe, then why are we alive at all. Maybe we're all fooling ourselves, but why know the truth, or even pretend that you know the truth if it will make you miserable? But all the same, I'm not sure I understand the ritual that goes behind the bulk of religions. I like the community that you get at services, but your relationship with...god, the beyond, whatever you call it, seems so much more personal than you can ever get in a religious service. I've gone to three different services at LU and as much as I like the communities there, I still don't feel nearly religious, as close to something greater as I do when I'm in my room by myself. All the chanting, all the ritual doesn't do anything for me.
-Lia

Opening Night

Well we made it through opening night with only minor problems. I'm so glad, it's like my baby made it into the world safely and after tomorrow night I can finally relax for a little bit. I love my cast so much, they're amazing, and I'm so glad we pulled this off in three weeks.
-Lia

Midterm Week

It always seems that it's when you're the busiest that life sees it fit to pile everything else on you. I don't think there is one roommate right now who isn't going through relationship issues right now. As crappy that is, it's almost interesting to see for the four of us how different our relationship issues are, and I suppose that just shows how different we are as a whole. For example, Justine at the moment is having problems with an old boyfriend, a reemergence of an old flame. That would only happen when you put yourself fully into relationships, especially with a first love. I have yet to have a first love, so I doubt that would happen to me. My relationships, really I'm just killing time until I find someone I really care about. Part of me wonders if I'm just completely callous to relationships. I've always been overly cautious about people, so I've always rather that people fall for me than for me to fall for someone. Really it's a power play, and I think that's why I play a lot more games that some other people in dating. River is having problems with the guy she's had a thing for since middle school. He is a sweet guy from what I've seen, just like most guys, they're completely clueless. It makes me wonder if he even knows home much River likes him. I mean it's obvious to us, but men are just idiots, especially when they've known you so long. I won't pretend I know the situation well enough to pass judgment, but I really don't know if he has any idea, or if he just doesn't see her as anything but a friend. At least in my experience you can tell when a guy is interested, but then I'm notorious for going for easy targets anyway. I really don't know how to interpret a long harbored crush.
-Lia

Men

Sometimes I think that if we weren't born with the sex drives we have, we'd never have continued on the species, because relationships can be such crap. It's been months since I broke up with Michael, and that's still crap. I know that part of my problem is that I never can figure out what it is I want, but I'm trying to work on that, I'm in therapy for a reason. I think one thing I've figured out in college is that everyone is sincerely messed up. I don't think there's one person in the world who's ever made it through this life in less in a crappy mood. Seriously, at this point I'm just sort of ready to give up on men. I have this ideal, and I've never met anything close to it. Maybe I'm just too picky, but I'm not happy. I feel like I'm 19 and I'm becoming jaded, and I don't like that. I feel like while I'm young I can get things from men, and I might as well just do that since I don't get much more out of it. I like the attention, I like being held, but I don't have what I want and I'm not happy. I know people are probably getting tired with me venting about this, but it effects me more than I would ever want to admit. I just hate relationships right now. Part of it might be the hormones, but I feel so crappy, and no one seems to get it. I just...I don't even know
-Lia

Exhasution

Well I seem to be working on another break down, but that's what I do apparently. At least as tired as I get on Wednesdays I get to do some fun stuff. Today we went to the Pentagon. It's good fun being a TA that acts like concierge. I like going on tours. Today I went to the Pentagon, which was pretty neat, though it was way too much walking. I'll admit that my favorite part might have been the cute military men around. What can I say, I'm like the majority of women. A man in uniform is just always very hot. I suppose even when I'm exhausted I'm still a flirt. I can't imagine working in the Pentagon though, it's so confusing. I don't know how they can get anything done.

Other than that my life has revolved around play rehearsal. I'm really excited to see it put on. River is an amazing writer, and I think the actors have helped it evolve greatly. I'm really excited.

The Tenth Month

I have no idea how it got to be October already. School has a way of doing that I suppose, keeping you so busy that the days just seem to fly by, I mean, I've lived how many days? Over 7,000 or something like that, and they seem to still be flying by. I just want them to slow down a little. It's just sort of scary how fast it feels like life is going by. It's like when you're little you can't wait to be just a year older, and then I don't know exactly when it happens, but all of a sudden life just seems to speed up and you're just caught on the train. I don't know why I think of like as a train, but I've always preferred train travel to planes or anything, so I'm going to say life is a train.

In other news I finally got the guts to get my tattoo. It really didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I mean I suppose the idea of needles stabbing you sounds much more painful than the little pinch it feels like. It's starting to heal now, so I'm hoping it will heal well. So far so good. I've just always liked the idea of the permanency of tattoos. I mean it's scary as hell, which is why it's taken me so long to go ahead and do this (I mean I've only been thinking about getting a tattoo for like a year now) I just need to figure out how I'm going to tell my mother. She's not a fan of tattoos, but I'm an adult, so it wasn't as if I needed her permission, but as with everything I'd still like her support. Honestly, part of the death knell for Michael was the fact that my mother didn't like him. I mean it wasn't then entire reason, but my mother liking whomever I'm dating is a big thing for me. What can I say, I'm a big fan of approval. I've always had the obsessive need for outward approval.
-Lia

The Days

There's nothing like waking up at 8:20 with an 8:30 to make you feel like a million dollar. Still I happened to make it, but now I'm sitting her, sincerely needing a shower and a little out of breath from all but running across the road and up the stairs. I still find it sort of funny that I was perfectly capable of getting up at 6am to get out of the house at 7:20 for high school (for the most part) whereas in college I can barely drag myself out of bed to run across campus for a class at 8:30. I suppose just in high school I never had so many people around to keep me up much too late.

Anyway, I'm still editing the same story I've been working on since like junior year of high school, and at this point I'm just working on pretty much a complete overhaul of my manuscript. The Characters have been with me so long at this point that they just don't even fit into parts of my dialogue anymore, so hopefully I'll be able to get that done at some point and finally get my book published.

Technology

I am back once again, and on a new machine, albeit the newer version of my old model. Truly I don't know much when it comes to computers. I can do more than my mother can with programs and such, but my brother has always been the computer programmer along with my father. I just know what looks pretty and how to get on the internet. It's all I've ever needed to do, and since my screen on my 3 year old computer decided to quit on me I just got a new computer. Luckily, Best Buy was able move all my files from my old computer on to my new one so I suppose besides the $800 I'm now out, I suppose no harm no foul. Things could have been worse.

In other news, my personal life has been less than stellar. I don't know why I still bring myself to try to hang out with Michael. Every time I talk to him I either end up sad or angry, but I still can't bring myself to not try to give him another chance, just as my friend. I keep trying to make everyone happy, and it keeps making me unhappy. I think that's the biggest reason that River tries her best to keep him away from me. She really has the best intentions at heart, she's just worried about seeming like a busy-body. She shouldn't worry so much, because I know she really does have only the best intentions at heart, I just seem incapable of cutting people who need me out of my life, and I'm not making life better for anyone. I suppose that's just my personality. I need praise from people, so I find it impossible to cut off anyone who likes me. I need to know I'm liked, I need to have someone telling me I'm a good person, or I just can't bring myself to believe that I am. It's not good I know, it makes me so easily manipulated, and I hate that about myself. Oh well I need to go to bed. It's much too late.

Everytime it Rains

I know it's not literally the Apocalypse, but coming from southern California, the rain we're getting right now here makes it seem like somebody should be building an arc. River keeps laughing at me, saying this is nothing in her experience, but still, there's a whole lot of water falling from the sky. It just makes me think of when I was little and was sure that when it rained it was because the clouds were sad. I mean I know now that it's all about the water cycle and weather patterns and all that jazz, but there's just something inherently sad about a rainy day. I suppose part of that is the fact that drops of water just remind us of crying. It's why I must have thought the clouds were sad. It just seems like the world is crying over something. There's plenty enough on the world to cry about I know.

I've been feeling very jittery and irritable lately. Just everything has been making me anxious. Most of the time I can ignore it, but when I get alone at the end of the day I just feel like yelling or crying all the time. I did a couple nights ago, just ended up crying for no really reason. Just because I felt sad.

I had a dream about Michael last night, we were in Vegas with all our friends, I didn't think about it until my mother asked if he was still hanging around, and now I've been having just this feeling of dread about him. Not about him hurting me, but for some reason hurting himself. I haven't talked to him for a while, just because I couldn't handle things. I hope someone has talked to him recently. I'm just too easy to emotionally blackmail. And I do still care about him, I don't want to date him anymore, but I care about his well being. I just hope I'm displacing this vague feeling of dread onto him and nothing really is wrong. I suppose it's just how I'm going to feel today.

Chivalry is not Dead

Well I have made it almost all the way through my first week back at LU. Yes I know it's Thursday, but with everything I have been doing this week trying to get back in the swing of things, it feels like a success so far. It's amazing really the way you feel differently between home and school. Maybe it's just the fact that you're living in a place where the majority of the other people around you are roughly in your age group, and you all have at least one thing in common: You're a student. It's pretty much the only time in your life tat you'll have a place like that as far as I know, there's just this ease of talking to people. Maybe you won't get along with all of them, maybe you'll have a fight get your heartbroken, but overall you'll meet so many amazing people, so many nice people that I'm sad that I'm already more than halfway through my college experience.
-Lia

Melancholy

I suppose sometimes there's just no helping just underlying crappy feelings. I suppose that's what you're suppose to feel like after a break up, even if you're the one who did the breaking up. I mean I can ignore it for a while, do things with friends, but I really just feel like shit. I assume that it gets better, it's not the first time in the history of the world that a couple has broken up. I know it was the right thing to do, but I still just sort of want to lay in bed and cry. It just feels so bad. It's just one of those lose-lose situations I suppose. You feel crappy in the relationship, and you feel even crappier out of it. There's just no controlling emotions I suppose. As Michael said when we were cementing the end of our relationship last night, We just weren't built for logic. I suppose some of us are more logical than others, but there's still that crappy emotional side of us. I can understand not liking emotions. They do such awful things to us, but then again, life keeps us together. Gives us the good and the bad, and I'm just going to have to live with the bad right now. To quote Spring Awakening, "There's a moment you know, you're fucked"
-Lia

4am

Well it's been a while since I wrote and I really should be sleeping now, but I needed at least to get this out. Breaking up sucks. Even when you are the one to do it, it sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. Why the world doesn't just match us up with our perfect mate at the beginning of time, I don't know, maybe some crappy learning experience, but when you don't feel the same way as someone else, just everybody gets hurt. Part of me feels like you just have to wade through all the crap life throws at you to get to anything remotely good, but then part of me feels like the human race is some cosmic joke to some higher beings. Like we're the soap opera of the species, fun to watch and to thank the powers that be that you are involved. Life isn't fun, and just to get some happiness in your life you have to hit so many lows. It's amazing that we can stand it. Maybe that's why the world is so messed up. We all hit these completely shitty parts of our lives and we can't stand not to make the rest of the world feel the same way. And with 4.whatever billion people in the world there's just always someone feeling shitty. Nothing else can be done about it so we just keep pulling the world deeper and deeper into our misery. I'll be fine I know, just not being able to be what people want hits me so hard, and I can't do anything about that. I feel his misery, and despair, and I can't do anything about it while still taking care of myself. Life is just sort of crappy. There's good parts, but we have to live through the bad parts to, and that's just no fun. It hurts. It really does.
-Lia

It's the End of the World as We Know it

I've been thinking a lot lately about mortality. Not because I think I'm going to die soon or anything like that, but more because I've never felt like there's been enough time to get everything I want to do in life done. It seems to be a very uniquely human attribute, that we focus so much of our lives on the singular knowledge that one day we won't be there anymore. It makes me wonder what we would spend our time thinking about if we were immortal or even just weren't cognizant of the fact that we were mortal.

Really, in my opinion that overreaching sense of mortality is the reason so many people fixate on the idea that the world is going to end within their life time, the most recent dating being given, December 21st, 2012, or in a little more than 4 years from now. If that is the case, maybe everything I've thought is wrong, but if you look back through history, I don't think there has been an generation go by that wasn't certain that the world was going to end in their lifetime. In my opinion, that's just simple narcissism. We know that we are going to come to an end, as they say the only thing certain in life is death and taxes. The moment we are conceived we start moving towards an inevitable endpoint, and thus we can't fathom how the world isn't moving towards its own end. I mean, I assume one day, the world will end. Time kills everything apparently, but I sincerely doubt it will be anytime soon, let alone while I am still on the planet. Projecting your own mortality onto the planet doesn't make it end anytime sooner. We just know we have about 70 year god-willing. Knowing that I can predict that I'm going die somewhere around 2060 give or take a couple decades baring no advances major advances in medical technology. We have plenty of statistics to tell us about our own mortality, the world's mortality is a shot in the dark. We've only had one, and there's no statistics for us to study, so rather than focus on our mortality we seem to love to focus on something irrational and indeterminable because that's what we seem to love to do.

Humans are a strange race of beings.
-Lia

David Tennant, Marry Me. Please?

When it comes to being starstruck, I'm very rarely affected. Even when it comes to going to concerts or speeches or whatever, unless I'm talking to a famous person I really find little difference watching them in a venue or at home on my television. I mean, they're closer to be in proximity but I've always been overly cognizant of the fact that just because they're in the room with me doesn't mean they're at all aware of my existence. Unless I'm talking to them I don't see any reason to fore go the relative comfort of my room and go wait in a line for hours to filter into packed auditorium and sit with too many excited fans in a room I can't get up and go to the restroom or get a snack if I'm bored. I mean I suppose it's cool to say that I've seen Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton and Bill Clinton and whoever else I've been dragged to see, I can't even really remember at this point. Even on TV there are very few people I will tune in just to see. The first movie star I got a crush on was when I 12, and Orlando Bloom came out of nowhere for lord of the rings. I've since calmed down a bit from that crush (though he is still an attractive man). Since there I've Moved on to still decidedly foreign men. My biggest crush Jesse Spencer, and more recently Jim Sturgess (I'll admit part of that came from hearing him sing in Across the Universe. I'm a sucker for men who can sing). The latest in my list of Actors I would really love to meet is David Tennant. Just his portrayal as the Doctor in Dr. Who has made me fall half in love with him. Those are the people I would love to meet. Along with Natalie Portman. I've always been a fan of hers. Other then that, I have a tendency to walk right by famous people and not even notice
-Lia

The Body

Well it's time for the olympics again. As for not liking sporting events, I'm a big fan of the olympics. I suppose because they aren't as boring as things like american football (if you can't tell not a huge fan) I suppoes part of it is I tend to think that the US started to go downhill when it stopped trying to copy Europe. Sure some things are better, but I prefer European tradition to a lot of Americana.But definitly I prefer the olympics and the world cup to baseball and the superbowl. Maybe just because there is more action in those sports, I get bored in american football and baseball.

But really just watching the olympics, it is amazing the things the body can do. They're amazing machines. I don't know how god, or allah, or buddha, made us like this. It's a very strange thing to think about how much our bodies can do and in how many ways we could all be so screwed up, and yet somehow we've managed to be these perfect machines. I suppose I've had sort of a weird sense of elation these past couple days, it's not normal for me, but I am a fan. I have just been so...joyous and grateful and I suppose there aren't much better ways to be.
-Lia

Et en Arcadia ergo

I think I have finished finding things for my room finally. I really need to stop buying things before I go broke anyway. This morning I went out with one of my friends (Madison) for breakfast. Tomorrow is her sisters wedding, and she wanted to warn me that her sister is four months along with a little girl so I wasn't wondering when I saw her. I'm babysitting for the wedding. I don't know what it is about this month, but it seems like everyone's either getting together or breaking up. That seems to happen sometimes, and I really wish I understood it, but like if you watch on facebook, it always happens all at once that people break up or get together. I mean not always, but a lot of the time. It makes me wonder if there's something in the air. I mean enough religions that I have been looking at believe that everything and everyone are connected either by energy or by spirit, and there's enough evidence out there that there is some sort of collective unconscious that we haven't been able to fully tap into. We're all such social creatures, I don't think we're completely able to separate ourselves even when we try to. I know I've been able to tell things about people I shouldn't have, and maybe that doesn't mean anything, but I choose to believe it does.

I feel like I should say something about my title. "And in Arcadia I am" It's the title of a painting, and people have taken it to mean that even in the most perfect of places there is still death. A rather morbid topic I know, but last night my friends and I were talking about death last night, and I've never been afraid of death. I don't understand why people spend so much of their lives fearing the unavoidable. I suppose because people feel like they need to be in control, but if there's something you don't even have the slightest chance of effecting, I see no reason to worry about it. There's something very calming about the idea of death. Not saying I would like to be dead anytime soon, but there is at least one constant. And without mortality, I don't think life would be nearly as important to us.
-Lia

Packing

It is ten days before I fly back for my fall semester at LU. I can't believe how fast time has gone. I'm so torn about it. I love my friends in DC, and I can't wait to see them, but I love my family too, and I'm going to have to leave them to go back to school. I suppose it means I won't have to put up with my father's moods anymore, which have been so insane all summer (My mom says it's male menopause) but I still will miss my family. My mom always looks so sad when I go, it's hard on me. It's nice to be independent, but it's also hard. Adolescence isn't fun at all.

I'm now I'm trying to pack everything I have here into one suitcase. That isn't going so well. I seem to be a bit of a clothes horse. Not even that, I just love to shop. Retail therapy is the most awesome thing, but expensive as hell. For my room I now have a bunch of items. Hopefully I can donate enough at school to keep my room neat. And for those who know me, neatness is not one of my strong points.
-Lia

The Train

Picked up Nessa and her mom at the train station earilier today. I really wish that it would be possible for me to go back to LU by train. I'm not a bad flier, just airports are such a hassle. There's just something classic about train travel, maybe because the heyday of the train was the turn of the last century. It's still sort of slow paced, you just feel like you're in an old movie sitting in a train station. Maybe if I can't afford to tour Europe after graduation, I'll just hop on a train and see The US and Canada. I just have always liked being alone with my thoughts, watching the world go by outside the window. Meet people all traveling somewhere, see where I end up. I've always had a bit of wanderlust. I suppose sometime I'll have the urge to put down roots, but I've always sort of liked the idea of taking off by myself and just seeing the world and seeing where ever I end up. There's just so much of the world to see, and so much to know...I just want so much to see everything the world has got to offer, and there's only one me, one life to see it all.

After we picked up Nessa we went down to the harbor and I've got a bit more for my pan spiritual room. I got a wall hanging made by a native tribe in the Baja peninsula, a pair of earrings made from Baltic Amber. A necklace made of this Asian wood hand carved into a frog (the Japanese symbol for good luck and safe travels) and another made from bull horn from New Zealand carved into the symbol for balance between this world and the next. What can I say, I've been in a spend thrift mood lately, and I suppose, what good is money if you don't use it to buy things that make you happy? My parents still pay for food and housing so I don't have to worry about going hungry or anything. If I want to spend a hundred dollars on jewelry then who's to tell me I can't?

Overall I've been in a pretty good mood lately. I still feel sort of bad about upsetting Michael, but he hit the anger stage of the stages of grief, and was a real ass a couple nights ago, so I don't feel as bad. It stopped me from thinking that I should maybe take him back. I still want us to be friends, but he's disappeared from online, and I've lost my phone, so I haven't talked to him lately. I am grateful that he was a good boyfriend to me, and I loved the time we spent together. And I am happy that we are now apart, hopefully to be friends if he can stand just being friends with me. I love my life, I really do. I love my friends, and my family, and where I live. I love that we're all healthy, I love that I finally took a chance on a relationship. I am content, and that's just a good feeling. I was going to call this post gratefulness originally, because I am, I am happy and I am grateful for my life. I just want to thank the Universe, God, Allah, Buddha, whoever has given me this good feeling, and this life.
-Lia

Summer

I can't believe it's almost time for school to begin again. You'd think that three months would take longer to pass than this, but then again, I suppose I packed a whole lot into those three months. Las Vegas with the family, Oxnard to see the now-ex, Hawai'i, River coming out, and now some friends coming down from the old neighborhood, Nessa and her mom. Nessa was in my girl scout troop when I still lived up in Westlake. Really more our mothers have kept in touch more than Nessa and I have, but it's still nice to keep in touch with old friends. Remember childhood when things at least seemed simpler, remember fabricated memories, all that fun stuff.

I have some sort of stomach bug, not surprising I suppose since I've been having stomach problems for over a year now. It isn't fun. Not at all. But I've been trying to keep my mind off it. I got my first syllabus for the fall semester, for my religion in public policy class and I have started my reading. The topic is actually really interesting so that's definitely a plus since I have like 300 pages of reading or something that I have printed out from blackboard.

Religion really is an interesting topic. There are so many different religious beliefs in the world, and they're all so different but in some ways the same, I don't know how so many possible thoughts could come to be. And everyone one is always absolutely certain their beliefs are the right ones. I'm tempted to read as many religious texts as I can get my hands on and see what I can find out.
-Lia

Retail Therapy

1) Retail Therapy is an amazing thing it should be patented as a cure for feeling bad after a break up
2) It's even better when your mother is paying for everything and you can just throw things in a basket with out worrying about price.
That being said. When using retail therapy after a break up, don't shop in the underwear section. That's just depressing.
-Lia

Vista

Well my father has installed Vista on my computer and it is now running like a slug...well I wouldn't even say a slug. A slug would probably beat it in a foot race. Hopefully I can get things working better in a little bit. On the Michael front, he's made it past denial and moved past Anger and Bargaining into Depression I'd say, so as far as the 5 stages of loss are going, he'll hopefully hit Acceptance soon. I however am feeling at least a little better, and things I suppose can only get better since my parents must really not have liked him, because they're basically rewarding me for breaking up with him. Dad did all this computer stuff (which we'll see how that turns out) And mom's taking me shopping Friday. I know things are still going to be sort of crappy between me and Michael now, but I suppose I'll just deal with that when I get there.
-Lia

The End

Well I did it yesterday. I broke up with Michael. I don't think either of us have completely come to terms with it. I think what I'm most upset about is the fact that he's upset. I don't like hurting people. I mean I like him, but like I said, I love him, I'm not in love with him. It's just funny what your mind does to you. All leading up to it, I could only think of all the things that annoyed me. Right after you can only remember all the good things. Change is just scary in general I think, and I'm so bad at making decisions. Part of it I think is just the fact that things were comfortable as they were. Dating is crap, now I'm back on the market again. I truly wish the perfect man would just drop out of the sky and everything would be perfect. But life isn't that easy. Part of the problem I think is that for years I have been writing my perfect man into existence at least in my mind, and I'm still waiting to find him. I don't even know if that's possible or just a romantic fantasy. I'm still young. I suppose I'll find out. I'm just sad right now. I think I just need to let myself be sad.
-Lia

Illness isn't fun

I suppose I had no reason to worry, like I said, I don't have the highest readership for this blog. Though part of me wonders if part of my irritablity comes from the fact that I don't feel very well. I'm just less than inclined to ever move again. Still we're going to old town in a little bit, so I suppose I'll just have to survive. That's what tylenol is for I suppose.

Renivations are still going on on the house. If I never hear another jackhammer it will be too soon. It's sort of sad to think that I'm looking forward to going to school for the piece and quiet.

The Weather

Coming from Southern California, weather was something I grew up experiencing purely through movies, and now while at school. However since I have left California the weather has been a little meaner to me. My first winter at school, outside was the sort of cold that I could only liken to a refrigerator. Apparently even in the summer the east coast has its share of bad weather. River has been stranded here for another couple days since a thunderstorm moved in and her flight was canceled. So tomorrow we're going into Old Town tomorrow. And Tuesday night she is going to try to fly home again.

I'm trying to talk to Michael now, and a part of me wonders if he read my last post and is mad now. I hope he didn't, I hope he isn't. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, but I suppose with matters of the heart there's always hurt. I cried earlier when talking to may mom, I just hate people being upset. I suppose I should stop talking about all this here, for if that's the case me typing here won't help any.
-Lia

The Day

It has not been a good day. Well I suppose the day hasn't been that bad, just my mindset isn't very good right now. I woke up feeling crappy and I have a splitting headache. So far I haven't written much as way of my current friends. As far as readership goes, they are probably the only ones to ever read this, and should I have any passing angry moments I would rather keep that to myself than leave something behind that they'd one day stumble across and start a new riff. I do my best not to think poorly of people, and there are very few people that I really don't like. Even the people who I have had problems with in the past, I do my best to pass the olive branch, or at least let the grudge go. They say holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It can hurt other people, but hurting others hurts yourself too.

Anyway what that entire long set up was about was, I suppose the boyfriend, Michael. I don't think I've actually ever mentioned him before, which I suppose could be seen as strange since the whole "significant others" thing. But I never have been able to get my mind straight. Anything I was thinking came and went so strangely, that I never wanted to put anything in writing. But this morning I woke up and I just realized, that I loved the man, but I wasn't in love with him. I don't know what I'm going to do with that, but my mind has finally settled down long enough. I don't know, maybe I'll feel different later, but I really don't know what to do. I just feel like I still want to be his friend, but I don't think that would be possible so everything is all or nothing...I suppose I'll just have to keep thinking about this. What else can I do?
-Lia

The Doctor

Well it's official. River has gotten me somewhat addicted to Dr. Who. At BBC's booth at Comicon they were selling the DVD series of Dr. Who so she's dropped me right in the middle of season two. Still not a huge fan of sci fi, but David Tennant plays the doctor so well. I understand why River is obsessed with the show. I can't say I'm really obsessed, but it's a good show. Right now River is working on our webcomic. Can't imagine that has much of a following either, but it's there. We have a very bizarre sense of humor as a group, and even now I don't completely understand some of River's humor, but I personally think it is a good comic, and I know at least a couple people who have looked at it. Don't know that they actually follow it. But they've looked at it. It's dangerous to have me typing away when I feel on the edge of a depression. I suppose not feeling wonderful is generally the reason I write anyway. I'm not great about writing when I'm in a good mood.
-Lia

Comicon

Technically ComicCon I suppose, but whatever. Biggest Comic/Sci Fi Convention in the Western Hemisphere. How did I end up there you all may wonder? Living in a sci fi family with a roommate who's addicted to Sci Fi visiting is pretty much my answer. So this morning I was woken up at at 8am, thrown into a packed car and then onto an even more packed trolley to the convention center. I can't say of all the convention I would like to go to, Comicon is not one of my favorite. I don't read comic books (DC or Marvel). I watched Star Wars, but I'm not enough of a fan to want to meet all the people in it.

I don't know why they don't split up the science fiction and comics. I mean, I suppose they think they'll hit two birds with one stone, and it must have made sense in the early days of Comicon (39 years ago) but now that over 300,000 people flock to San Diego for Comicon, you think things would survive splitting the two up. As it is, even the San Diego Convention center is too small for all the people flocking to it. At 10am it was difficult to move around the main hall, by noon it was impossible. The combination of booth upon booth upon booth, with thousands and thousands of people made it feel claustrophobic to a level I have never felt before. By the time we left at 2:30pm, stepping outside the convention center was the first fresh air I had felt for four hours, and there were still masses of people flooding inside. Every single day at comicon has been sold out. I suppose they have a fire code for the convention center, but knowing how long it took us to get out, I can't imagine that that helps much.

River and I got to see the Joss Wheadon panel, which was good I suppose, though I still find it hard to find a difference between listening to a panel talk and watching people on screen. Unless I'm being introduced face to face, I don't think it's that awe-inspiring to watch people talk. Truly, there are generally enough people in a popular event that you can't even really see people on stage, so you have to watch the screens. So instead of sitting in your comfortable living room, popping some popcorn and flipping a screen on, you go into a packed ballroom, after sometime waiting hours in line, sitting on a uncomfortable chairs with thousands of other other rabid fans all screaming about the people on stage. Never been the type to get star struck. I don't really seem to care much. Furthermore, River was the one that knew the majority of the people. When you don't know who the "famous" people our, you don't tend to get as excited.

Not the most exciting day in my opinion, but at least River had a good time. She was on cloud nine the entire way home. I just never want to be in a building with that many people ever again. I have no patience to wait for events, I don't like crowds, and not nearly enough freebies.
-Lia

The Church of Logic

"Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see. It's getting hard to be someone, but it all works out. It doesn't matter much to me." -"Strawberry Fields Forever" The Beatles.

Song lyrics I think sometimes say things better than you otherwise could. I get a lot of my thoughts from song lyrics. I suppose Strawberry Fields isn't completely logical a choice since it's a little more apathetic than my views on the world. However I couldn't agree more with the first part of that line. So many people do go through life with their eyes closed, just because it's easier. I don't know, but I feel like if life we're meant to be easy all those people would be much happier. I suppose they say the best things in life are free, but there's a difference between simple pleasures and laziness. I think the only way I'd really be able to describe my thoughts on the divine would be to make my own text. So if anybody really cares to follow, the thoughts are below.

Intro
Though there will be many opinions in this text, it is important for this to never be taken at face value. The only way logic can advance is through constant debate. If a thought is correct, it will stand up to and only benefit from constant thought about why it is correct, if a thought is incorrect, argument will only help correct the error to the benefit of all man kind. If History has proven anything it is that for every step we take forward there are many steps back. Advancement is the ultimate goal. Without constant thought there is no progress. This text should change and adapt to the knowledge future generations are destined to receive, not be stuck in the past.

The Divine
The information we have at this time is not strong enough to make a definite statement about whether or not there is a god/gods/goddess/etc controlling the universe let alone whether he/she/it/them is involved in our daily lives or an impartial observe. It is important that many different opinions are held on this topic until such a time that there can be a more certain conclusion drawn. As far as my own logic has brought me, it seems in my opinion that there is a higher power, androgynous and infiltrating all life on earth. What we do effects every thing around us, thus the universe is much like a body. There are millions of separate and distinct cells, but they all function together as one. What is referred to as God/Allah/Jehovah/etc, is the brain. Thus it is not all powerful but so much more cognizant and powerful than us we are dependent. As we are all part of one body, it is thus important to take care of everyone and everything around us. Hurting others does nothing but destroy everything. Damaging the world around you or anyone are you is acting like a virus and ultimately will do nothing but kill what you have turned into your host and thus bring about your own destruction along with that of everything around you. Everything is a part of everything else and dependent on everything else. When you are at peace with that, a calm will wash over you. We are meant to be connected.

How to live your life
As far as commandments on how to live your life, there is only one. As long as you harm none, do as you will. Moderation is important. Life works all together on a balance. As far as you can see, it is the extremes that cause hurt and pain. Too much food causes health problems, but at the same time too little food does the same. There is a perfect balance to life. If you can reach this balance you will be happiest and healthiest, but should you rather indulge in one or more areas of your life, it is your decision, as long as you hurt no one else, you have the choice to be allowed to hurt yourself. Life is a learning process.

The Afterlife
Once again, there's no information to logically say what happens after death, but most importantly it is important not to be to eager or too scared of death. If there is nothing after this world, the only reason to agonize over their not being an afterlife would be to make your present miserable. The idea of giving yourself up may be difficult now, but if there is truly nothing else, there will be nothing to agonize over being nothing after death. If there is life after death, I can not bring myself to believe that there is a christian version of hell. If Justice is a universal truth, obviously the evil must be punished, but there are different views of what is evil and thus I find it hard to believe that there is a set list of you break these rules you will suffer. You have no one but yourself to answer to. If you are happy you are doing something right, if you are unhappy you are doing something wrong. If you die unhappy, you still need to work on becoming happy. You have control over yourself and your mindset is the most important thing. We create our own heavens, and create our own hells. God does not do that for you.

-Lia

The Week

Well, this week River has come out from the East Coast to stay with us. I think she's having a good time hopefully. Basically we're doing all the touristy things we can, along with plays and stuff. For the most part we seem to be having a good time. At least I hope she's having a good time. It's always awkward when you're staying at someones house. At least I always feel awkward. Luckily it has given me the excuse to go to this great international gift shop why my mom was working. I spent over $30 there buying things from England, Germany, China, Italy, and Tibet. It did let me get a jump on how I want to decorate my room for the Fall. I've been feeling very oddly spiritual lately, but in no way religious. I'd rather just be surrounded by things that give off good energy in general than that are specific to any one religion. I'm not really a big fan of organized religion of any kind. Anything that gives you a book that tells you what to think, telling you not to question it under implying that blind faith is a virtue I could care less about less than zilch. If the son of god was born in the desert 2000 years ago, maybe I can't say I know. If there are gods that rest in everybody and everything, that live on a mountain in Greece, I don't know, and I don't care to. History is pretty much all guess work, trying to piece together accounts and making the best guess about what's right. I can't logically claim that there was or wasn't a Jesus, a Zeus, a Vishnu. That's really where faith has to come in. The figures aren't important.

Truly, if I were to look into my religious beliefs I would have to say most of all I'm a Buddhist, but not completely because that would rule out quite about what I could do for my own spirituality. If you want to understand my religious relics I plan on using in my room, I have a Mary Magdalene pendent (which I have been wearing all day), a Tibetan prayer flag, a jade energy bead, a Buddha board, and am planning on getting a Saraswati Statue. Eclectic mix I know. As far as I am concerned, as long as a religion promotes peace and harmony, I like it.

Really I think I'm just a Spiritualist. Part of my own mix of Religions and what I would like to call the Church of Logic. Oxymoronic I know, but if you don't at least try to think things through...the universe for the most part seems to operate on logical principles, you can figure a fair portion out. You have to use logic as far as you can, and then use that point as your diving board for your faith, not excepting ignorance as an acceptable point and letting people with their own agendas fill your head with their beliefs, or even just beliefs they want you to hold so they remain in control. Faith is a powerful thing. I'm sure more than one "religious" leader has used that for their benefit. I don't think I could ever really follow an organized religion that I didn't start myself. I'm not an atheist, not even really an agnostic, but I just can't be religious.
-Lia

The Internet

The internet is really an amazing thing. I've always been a little wary of it. I mean hypothetically anyone in the world could find you on the internet. Anyone could be reading this now. I doubt very few people have actually stumbled across this blog, but it is posted for the world to see. That's part of the reason I use a pseudonym. I know there are bad people out there, but lately I have been trying to meet people online. Good people hopefully. I mean I'm not trying to hook up with anyone or anything dirty online I won't even post pictures of me that are too suggestive. Now though I have started looking for penpals. I don't know if it's just the summer or what, but I want to meet more people from all over. I've had wander lust lately. Just the need to get out and see the world. I want to go to Greece and Ireland, and Norway, and Australia. I just feel like I need to see more than I have. There's so much of the world, and so much history. I just want to see it all. Soak it all in. I just need to see everything. I suppose the internet is as far as I'm going to get with that for now sadly.
-Lia

Hell

I admit that I've started about three other posts now, and haven't posted any of them. I suppose I have a bit of writers block. Which I suppose is strange, because I'm only writing about my life. I'm living it every day obviously, but I can't seem to think of anything interesting enough to actually post. I suppose when it comes down to it, my life really isn't that interesting, and any drama in my present life I'd rather not write about until it has resolved itself. I'm much too prudent to post something in the heat of the moment, only to make things worse.

I'm dreaming a lot about moving into my new apartment for the fall. I'll be living with my roommate from last semester and best friend, River, and two other really nice girls who were a couple floors above me last year. For the first time since I've been at school I'll have my own room. I'm really excited about that. It's nice to have a room to yourself.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about happiness. Everyone seems to have a lot of ideas about what will make them happy, but I know very few people who are actually happy. I suppose there's very little you can do to guarantee you're happy. I don't know, maybe it's just in our genetic make up to always be looking for more. The only way I know of to feel really good really fast is to do things that mess with the chemicals in your head that make you either feel euphoric or not feel at all, through sex, food, exercise, drugs, whatever. But just being contented in your life is so hard. I mean overall I'm content, but happiness is still elusive. I can feel good. I wouldn't say I feel happy. Maybe our make-ups just won't let us know what real happiness is. If we were completely happy we would never work for anything else, and that's evolutionarily not beneficial. If you stop working you tend to be the one that dies in the famine. Maybe this world is just too hard to let people be happy. Maybe we're just in hell and making the best of it. It makes sense if you think about it. The levels of unhappiness, the levels of hell, we just can't accept that we're never going to be perfectly happy, so we do our best to improve the situation. I think that's the true human ingenuity. As a whole, we can't just accept things, we want to make things easier for us, and thus we just keep marching along.

Thoughts

Plane flights can get me pretty depressingly philosophic. Here's where my mind went on the five hour flight home:

Sometimes it seems like life is made purely of decisions. Do I want the Ham or the Turkey? Should I get a car or a van? Most of the time these questions are decided on the spot or at least with very little deliberation. You decide based on personal preference or just logic. You had Ham yesterday that wasn’t that good, so maybe you’ll try the Turkey today, or I have five kids and three dogs, the only way I can get them places is with a van. But what happens when you come up to a question you have no idea where to start deciding. I suppose that’s why I call myself indecisive, because when it comes to the big decisions, I can never bring myself to make a decision. And that always makes me turn philosophical.

There are so many questions we don’t have answers to, and just as many answers we don’t know answer what. The answer to the meaning of life, 42, just being one of them. Is our life planned out from the moment we’re born? Are all the choices we make really choices or is there some great author out there who knows exactly what it is we’re going to do even while we’re debating? Do we have free will? And if we have free will, do we have some way our life is supposed to go and our free will just gives us the chance to fuck ourselves over?

It would be so much more comforting if I believed that everything in our lives was written out the moment we were born. That the fact that I’m typing this now was already determined to happen by a greater power. Then I wouldn’t have to be so worried about making the wrong choice, if I chose to go to a party the night before a final, got drunk, and ended up flunking that class, none of that would be my fault, it would have all been part of the universe’s greater plan. Personal responsibility in general would be out the window. It’s a lot harder thinking the universe has some greater plan for us and the short-sightedness to give us the free will to screw everything up. Then if your life sucks, it’s all because you made the wrong decision. Maybe that’s why some people are so dedicated to religion. It’s so much easier when everything’s just planned out by the almighty. You don’t have to think, nothing is your fault because they’ve give you all the answers right there in a handy little book that with modern printing techniques can come small enough to be carried around in a pocket so you never actually have to think or make your own decisions. I just think the world is much too screwed up to have someone controlling everything, unless they were supposed to but went out on a coffee break and never came back. That, or they’re one millennia away from retirement and just don’t give a shit anymore. In my opinion, someone started the universe made us all so that things would go a certain way, but messed up on the logic to emotion balance and figured we’d be ok taking care of ourselves for a couple million years.

I personally can’t think of one person in the history of the world who has been happy with the human race. You can argue if we are the way we are because of our natures or if it’s because of us producing nothing but more and more little miniatures of ourselves. I suppose there is some difference between the generations. I don’t believe exactly what my mother believes, she doesn’t believe exactly what her mother believed, and we have progress that way, but its glacieral progress. A couple inches every few generations, so none of us ever get to the end. And then we go and sabotage ourselves, fighting and destroying things that took thousands of years to be compiled because of ignorance. The knowledge of the Incas, the great library of Alexandria, I know we’ll come across that knowledge again, but we’re forever walking three steps forward to have ignorance come and wipe what progress we’ve managed to come across. Like Sisyphus sentenced forever to try to roll a boulder up a hill to only to have it roll back to the bottom every time we get close to the top. It’s amazing that more people haven’t just given up at this point. Maybe part of the reason that I don’t fear hell as that I think we’re already doing about as poorly as we could. Burning forever in eternity couldn’t be much worse than living in limbo like we are now. Physical pain is awful definitely, but with enough time I’m pretty sure you could get used to anything. Like a hot tub that’s just so hot it hurts when you first go in. You get used to the heat. Have something enough and everything sort of goes numb.

I think the best time in your life has to be when you’re a baby when everything is just brand new and brilliant. It’s too bad you can’t remember that time, because the older you get the more depressing life seems to get. As a child you don’t care about what other people think. You’re taken care of. You can dance naked in your front yard and no one thinks twice about it. “They don’t know better”. For once I’d like not to know better. Dance in a supermarket without getting weird looks. Talk to animals without sounding like a crazy cat lady. We get to do more when we get older, stay home alone, date…but we give up so much at the same time.
-Lia

The S-Word

It's fun that something so necessary has become so taboo in our society. I know there are more repressed societies than the United States, but still of all things to be a forbidden idea, you wouldn't think sex would be one of them. I can't understand what is so bad about it unless you still believe in puritan values, and really as Henry Mencken put it, "Puritanism is the haunting fear that somebody somewhere may be happy." I can't imagine that this fear of sex is much more than either a shame of feeling good or a hang over of the early church with their fear of women. There are plenty of other societies that embrace sex and fertility as a communion with the divine, or at least don't think much past it's a good time. I understand that there's more than just the physical to consider when it comes to sex. There's pregnancy and STDs to consider, along with the crazy things it can do to your hormones, but I hardly thing that if I decide I want to have sex before there is a ring on my finger that I'm going to hell.

I can understand that before birth control the whole fact that you could get knocked up was a big problem for women when it came to sex, but now with modern science I don't think there's a whole lot of excuses. Yes, I believe you should care about someone before you have sex with them because it's giving over a part of yourself to someone else, but I don't think any part of my immortal soul is in danger for feeling that way. Sex has never presented itself as a moral issue for me. It's a personal issue, and I don't see that changing no matter how many people tell me that my soul is in jeopardy. What if there is no afterlife anyway? I'd rather go to hell having experienced all that life has to offer than go to heaven to imagine all that I missed. I must say if I had made a bucket list, a list of things to do before I die, have sex would have definitely been high up on that list

Truly, if god hated sex so much, why would he have made it the only way for so many species to continue living? Truly either you have to believe there is a loving god who wants us to procreate and be happy, or god hates us thought we were a mistake and decided we all should die out and thus made sex a sin. Personally I'm more willing to believe the first.
-Lia

The...well, Me

Well I've gotten this far telling about the people I met in my freshman year at college but I haven't really said anything about myself. I'm sure you've learned a thing or two about me in the last couple of entries, but I've written a good share about people I've lived with, but nothing just about me. I suppose it's just always easier to write about other people than it is to write about yourself. I think part of that is because I'm still trying to get to know myself. Emotions make everything sort of fuzzy. People as a whole are pretty simple creatures to read. We may not wear our emotions on our sleeves, but they are at least on our skin. You get glimpses of them bit by bit, and even the most bundled up individual can't help but giving you the overall picture if you're around them long enough. As long as you don't let your emotions guess for you, you can understand just about anyone. It's pretty damn hard not to have an emotional opinion about yourself. We're all a bit like impressionist paintings I think. We're so close to ourselves that all we can see are the dots, not the overall picture. I've been working for a while to understand myself, and I doubt I've done as good a job understanding me than half the people around me, but I'll try to do my best.

Of course there's the superficial stuff that I could have no problem talking about. I'm blonde, I'm a junior at LU, those sort of classifications are never hard to make. We do spend enough time thinking about superficial. I wouldn't call myself thin, but I'm not fat. I think my hands are very pretty, I think my eyes are a little too close together and overall I wish I were more dainty in general, but I think for the most part I'm pretty. Any teenage girl could give you a list of the body parts she likes and the ones she wished she could tweak, or change all together. It's internally that we don't like looking.

Really I feel like I'm a study of contradictions. For the most part I like people, but then I like being alone when the mood hits me. I like people who need me, but they have to be independent or they tend to get on my nerves. I'm very logical. For the most part I'll let my head lead, take in all the information and figure out what I want to do that way, but every once in a while my emotions run away without my head. Those are the times I tend to flip out because I at least have the illusion of control when I've thought through things. I'm a bit of a control freak. I don't like feeling out of control. I like to write because it gives me the chance to live in situations I've never experienced and plan out what I would do in those situations, or feel like I have some control over the world in general. I call it schizophrenia for control freaks. I can't stand people who believe things that they have never thought over. I don't care if you're Jewish, Catholic, Wiccan, Atheist as long as you have thought about why you believe what you believe. Because blank says so is not an argument. Overall I'm a optimist. Maybe bad things will happen to you, but if the bad things are all you focus on you'll never experience anything but bad things. You have some control over your world. Maybe a fire burns your house down, maybe you loose your job, you can't change that, but by focusing on the positive you change something in yourself and that helps change the world around you. I find men in uniform extremely hot. I think smoking is one of the most disgusting habits someone could ever pick up and all smokers should be transported to an island where they can pollute their own air and leave mine alone. I'm a feminist in that I believe that men and women should have equal rights and would never give a man complete power over my life, but I do act differently around men and women. I end up as the leader in a group of women, but find myself deferring that position to men more often when they're around, though I have no problem acting to sway their decisions. I just won't act as the head of the group as often. I'm a cat person. I love pretty much any genre of music you could imagine as long as there is some form of harmony (dissonance gets to me). I don't feel close to a lot of people. I'd rather stay self-contained, but if I am close to someone I would do anything to make them happy. I'm too empathetic. I can't be happy when someone I care about is unhappy. I'll cry before I yell. I don't like to cry unless I'm being manipulative. People almost always sympathize with the crying one. I can't cry on cue, but can generally work my way up to it. I'm not manipulative too often unless I'm really upset with you. I tend to get what I want mostly because I have a very strong will and won't generally back down if I feel strongly about something. I'm indecisive. Most the time I don't know if I feel strongly about something. I'm always open to argument. I wish you could still take classes in rhetoric. I named this blog after the Beatles song. I love looking pretty. I love people looking at me when I do look pretty. I can name all 50 states with capitals though I always have a problem remembering New Hampshire's capital and the fact that Indiana exists (It gets lost between Illinois and Ohio all the time). I love my family even when they get on my nerves. My mom is nicer than my dad, but my dad and I are both the ones with strong wills so we clash more often. My brother is a sweetheart even though he's now a teenager and trying to be cool. If you misuse grammar, I most likely will correct you. I get upset when people use blond when talking about women because coming from french it needs an e.

I'm sure there's more I could think to say about myself but I'll leave it for now. I'm sure I could always come back to it if I wanted to. This is my blog after all.
-Lia

The Boys

Girls floors get a lot of rather alliteratial nicknames, most of which have to do with our sexualization. Virgin Vault, Whore Hall, the sort of names that make hardcore feminists foam at the mouth. I can't say that I ever was upset at either of those names, I'm not that sensitive about sexism that I take any of those names seriously. Anyway beside more cattiness and more girls' bathrooms, I didn't find it that much different than any other floor. There were always guys around anyway. The Adopted Guys of the Girls floor. Even when David had to move out of Helene's room because of her new roommate he was on the floor more often than not. Joining David as resident Adopted Guy were the boyfriends and Cody.

Cody had a thing for Tara. Somehow she has a way of attracting men who were seeing someone else. Maybe she liked the idea that they were unavailable, I don't know, I just know they were the only ones she ever seemed to attract. My personal theory is they seemed safe to her, so she was more willing to be physically affectionate with them. From my experience, men are insanely afraid of rejection, so a woman who is willing to be physically affectionate before they ask them out thins out there chance of being rejected. And Tara, like I said, just wanted a man to pay attention to her, and she was much more addicted to drama than I was. Cody was Tara's pseudo-boyfriend, a guy who was crazy about her without her having to deal with actually having a boyfriend. Not fair to Cody, but it made him one of honorary girl floor members. We even one night did his hair and make-up and dragged him to a floor meeting. He must have really liked her. I actually have a picture of him in a bra still I think.

Overall I think the guys of the girl floor had a rough gig. They were all nice guys, but got in with a weird crowd.
-Lia

The Girl Across the Hall

Since Tara and I got along so well our room became the place to hang out on the floor. The girls down the hall partied to much for us, spending their weekend either drunk or giggling down the hall about who they had hooked up with that weekend. As I didn't drink and wasn't interested in being hit on by drunk frat guys who were looking to get laid, they weren't really compatible with us. In fact the only one of our little group that drank was the girl that lived in the room across the hall from us, Helene.

Helene was another girl who had a bad childhood. Though I never learned as much about Helene as I did Tara from what I learned, she had a mother who was bipolar and when she was in a bad mood abusive. Her parents had since divorced and she had a older step sister who she thought very lowly of, but then again Helene didn't like most women in general. Maybe because of her mother, I don't know, but it was easy to see that Helene got along better with men than women. The first time I met her she already had a boyfriend ready and in her room. His name was Sean and they had met during their orientation session for LU. I don't think the entire time I knew Helene she went for more than a week without a boyfriend though she never seemed to keep them very long. She was a chronic flirt, often debating between guys and always seeming absolutely sure that this was the man she was meant to be with and was going to marry. Sean didn't last long, maybe a month before he broke up with her, because of her allowing her "friend" David stay in her room, and started dating one of the girls down the hall whom, as far as I know, he's still dating. Then came the revolving door of men. A guy from her gov class, a guy she met on the quad, most of the male population at LU it seemed at times. Though she must have hated it I'm thinking it was a good thing she lived on an all girl floor or she would have dated and broken up with most of her floor.

Same with all her men, Helene seemed to have a problem keeping a roommate. Her first roommate, Debbie got homesick and moved back to Atlanta, then Sean spent a couple nights before he could get a room change (Sean and his first roommate got to being seconds away from WWIII before Sean moved). Then David moved in because he lived with two other boys in a room meant for only two people. It was doable, but cramped, and yes this is the David, Sean broke up with Helene about, and really I think he was right to do it, while they were dating David was Helene's "best friend" after they broke up David was her boyfriend, and then not her boyfriend, and then her boyfriend...all in all Helene wasn't the greatest at remaining faithful. She cheated on David more than once while drunk, he just always forgave her.

Helene was always a different person when she was drunk. She developed this thick southern accent even though she only ever said she was from northern Virgina, and was even more touchy than normal which for Helene is saying something. I always sort of felt like Helene was trying to run away from something. I suppose a lot of people change when they get to college, but she went as far as legally changing her name. Her parents named her something very southern, as soon as she could she changed that to something much more WASP and upper crust. I don't know if she had a good reason for changing her name, but she did and I'm pretty sure she just wanted to change herself.

Since even when she got a new roommate Helene didn't get along with her, Helene became sort of like a third roommate to Tara and me, but she was just the start of the refugee roommates we picked up freshman year.
-Lia

The Roommate

College has been the first time that I ever had to share a room. I arrived first to our dorm room, and claimed the bed closest to the window. Because the fact that like most liberal arts schools, LU (What I'll refer to Liberal University) is primarily female, I ended up on an entirely girl floor through no fault of my own, but to the join of my mother. While very liberal in most of her ideology, my mother was raised in the Midwest and when it comes to men she is rather old fashioned. She kept saying that it would be easier for me without men on the floor. Really I don't think I would have had a problem with men on the floor, and it actually would have reduced the amount of drama on the floor. Men as a whole have the effect of making women less catty to one another.

As far as friends go in the first year at college I admit that I sort of struck out. I don't really talk to most of the people I met my first year at college. Tara, my first roommate came from a small town in the Northeast where she seemed to have anything but a happy childhood. Part of that came from the fact that she had father problems. I only happened to meet her father once, and he seemed perfectly nice for the short time I knew him, but from what Tara told me, he wasn't the nicest person. She never really let me know that much about him. From what I could understand, it also was the fact that she came from a family that had a lot of illness in it, and either she was guilty about being healthy or her father took out his stress on her about it. I won't pretend I understand her entire family dynamics, she was very private, but from what I heard her mother had been battling breast cancer for years and it was up to her to handle taking care of bother her mother and her younger brother who had had brain surgery years before, while her father was off with his job of being a pilot. Understandably that's a lot of stress to put on a girl. From the stress, and just a bad frame of mind in general I'm thinking, Tara was a bit of an outcast in her small town. Coming from that mindset it's really hard to change, especially when I admit I had no way to empathize with her.

Looking for friends, Tara and I started hanging out together, as more than just roommates. Naturally gregarious I was more comfortable joining in and talking to people I didn't know than Tara, so she would tag along and get to meet people that way. We were seen together so often that people started referring to us as the same person. That stayed the same way until much later in the year. In some ways I think she was jealous of me, though I doubt she would admit it. Mostly just for the fact that I was happy. Add on the fact that I've never been very good at commiserating with people who are mopey all the time, she was constantly trying to find someone who would fulfill her needs more than I would, which also included dealing with her father issues. Tara had not had a boyfriend since the time when she was 13, and that bothered her much more than even I knew. She said the first day that we met that the women in her family had bad taste in men, and that we had to warn her if she was with a guy who was no good. The only reason her mother was still with her father was the fact that her mother had no money and was worried about supporting her younger brother should she divorce, which overall wasn't surprising since the only reason Tara's mother was even with her father was the fact that her mother had gotten pregnant with Tara. Tara's Aunt was in the process of divorcing her husband whom I never met but Tara told me had gone insane after 9/11. I won't pass judgement whether they were all bad men or if the women just had problems with men, but instead of hating men, Tara seemed to think she need a man to take care of her. All the men she went after were older, and would take over her entire life. That was my biggest problem with her dating. I wanted her to be happy, but I can't stand women who give themselves over entirely to men.

The first of her older boyfriends was a Law Student at LU named Bert. That was my first experience of Tara blowing everything off to be with a guy. Even when we had made plans she would just not come back from Rob's apartment , blow everyone else off for the guy. And when he said he didn't want to be with her after a couple weeks of "dating" she got mad at me because I didn't realize how devastated she was. I suppose I should have realized the warning signs right there, because when she got her next and as far as I know current boyfriend, this time a grad student, Ron, the fact that I wanted to actually see her meant that I obviously was against her happiness and wanted her to break up with Ron. She turned me into the bad guy, and thus I gave up trying to fix things and moved out, though she could have saved me the trouble since after her mother passed away from the cancer sadly, she moved in with Ron. Truly I hope their happy together, since Ron broke up with his undergrad girlfriend for Tara, and I don't see it going well for her should he break up with her.
-Lia