I'm sorry

I'm sorry, I know it's been a couple months since I have written anything here, but I suppose I've been dealing with some personal demons which I don't think would have been much interesting reading here. Last night was the first time in a while I've really acted like a teenager. I didn't get home until after one, and it was the first time I've ever come home with my parents already asleep. I suppose since I am an adult I don't have a curfew, but it was strange to come home and not have someone waiting up for me.

I had a fun night, though it wiped me out.

It has made me think a lot about my relationship with men. I suppose we all have our neuroses when it comes to the opposite gender. I doubt many people are perfect when it comes to dating, at least if I have learned anything from my friends, everyone has different neroses. Some fall for those that have no idea they exhist, or those perpetually outside their  reach. Some date anyone...honestly I think we're all just scared. We're all just so scared that we're going to fuck things up, we don't know how to react with the opposite sex. Like we've never gotten past that time in first grade that someone said "boys have cooties" or "girls are yucky". We segregated ourselves willingly then, and now don't know how to deal with each other now that we're no long scared of catching "cooties".

Personally, my problem isn't attracting men. I've been able to get men interested. I can get almost every man interested. Not all of course, but most. It's still always am a little shaken when a guy seems completely disinterested. I suppose I've always determined my sex appeal based on men's interest so it shakes me when I can't get a guy to show an interest in me. Still those times are generally few and far between. Even if I'm not a guy's ideal woman, I can get them interested. My problem is what to do when I catch them. Truthfully, if I was going to make a fishing analogy. I have no problem hooking the fish, my lures are incredibly effective, it's just I always seem to freak out once I have one hooked and have to end up cutting the line, or a least let it go slack once they're there. I don't know why I do that. I suppose I'll have to try to psychoanalysize myself sometime when I'm more awake.

-Lia