The Days

There's nothing like waking up at 8:20 with an 8:30 to make you feel like a million dollar. Still I happened to make it, but now I'm sitting her, sincerely needing a shower and a little out of breath from all but running across the road and up the stairs. I still find it sort of funny that I was perfectly capable of getting up at 6am to get out of the house at 7:20 for high school (for the most part) whereas in college I can barely drag myself out of bed to run across campus for a class at 8:30. I suppose just in high school I never had so many people around to keep me up much too late.

Anyway, I'm still editing the same story I've been working on since like junior year of high school, and at this point I'm just working on pretty much a complete overhaul of my manuscript. The Characters have been with me so long at this point that they just don't even fit into parts of my dialogue anymore, so hopefully I'll be able to get that done at some point and finally get my book published.

Technology

I am back once again, and on a new machine, albeit the newer version of my old model. Truly I don't know much when it comes to computers. I can do more than my mother can with programs and such, but my brother has always been the computer programmer along with my father. I just know what looks pretty and how to get on the internet. It's all I've ever needed to do, and since my screen on my 3 year old computer decided to quit on me I just got a new computer. Luckily, Best Buy was able move all my files from my old computer on to my new one so I suppose besides the $800 I'm now out, I suppose no harm no foul. Things could have been worse.

In other news, my personal life has been less than stellar. I don't know why I still bring myself to try to hang out with Michael. Every time I talk to him I either end up sad or angry, but I still can't bring myself to not try to give him another chance, just as my friend. I keep trying to make everyone happy, and it keeps making me unhappy. I think that's the biggest reason that River tries her best to keep him away from me. She really has the best intentions at heart, she's just worried about seeming like a busy-body. She shouldn't worry so much, because I know she really does have only the best intentions at heart, I just seem incapable of cutting people who need me out of my life, and I'm not making life better for anyone. I suppose that's just my personality. I need praise from people, so I find it impossible to cut off anyone who likes me. I need to know I'm liked, I need to have someone telling me I'm a good person, or I just can't bring myself to believe that I am. It's not good I know, it makes me so easily manipulated, and I hate that about myself. Oh well I need to go to bed. It's much too late.

Everytime it Rains

I know it's not literally the Apocalypse, but coming from southern California, the rain we're getting right now here makes it seem like somebody should be building an arc. River keeps laughing at me, saying this is nothing in her experience, but still, there's a whole lot of water falling from the sky. It just makes me think of when I was little and was sure that when it rained it was because the clouds were sad. I mean I know now that it's all about the water cycle and weather patterns and all that jazz, but there's just something inherently sad about a rainy day. I suppose part of that is the fact that drops of water just remind us of crying. It's why I must have thought the clouds were sad. It just seems like the world is crying over something. There's plenty enough on the world to cry about I know.

I've been feeling very jittery and irritable lately. Just everything has been making me anxious. Most of the time I can ignore it, but when I get alone at the end of the day I just feel like yelling or crying all the time. I did a couple nights ago, just ended up crying for no really reason. Just because I felt sad.

I had a dream about Michael last night, we were in Vegas with all our friends, I didn't think about it until my mother asked if he was still hanging around, and now I've been having just this feeling of dread about him. Not about him hurting me, but for some reason hurting himself. I haven't talked to him for a while, just because I couldn't handle things. I hope someone has talked to him recently. I'm just too easy to emotionally blackmail. And I do still care about him, I don't want to date him anymore, but I care about his well being. I just hope I'm displacing this vague feeling of dread onto him and nothing really is wrong. I suppose it's just how I'm going to feel today.